17 December 2005

Dear Gabriel: Letter to my Unborn Child

Dear Gabriel,
 
Your Daddy and I waited a year for you to come into our lives.  That very moment we discovered you were alive inside of me, it was at first difficult to believe everything was happening for real.  But those 2 lines from the pregnancy test will forever be a symbol of real happiness which filled my heart.

From that moment on, we were extremely proud to tell everyone how much we were looking forward to that day you will finally be born into this world.  We thought of names.  We imagined what you would look like if you were a boy or if you were a girl.  We were very excited to make plans... plans for your future and ours. 

People were very happy for us.  We were finally a complete family - with you inside me.

But then one day I felt extreme pain ... then i started bleeding ... it all happened so fast.  I didn't know what was going on.  I was scared and worried but I deeply hoped you were okay.  You were already 8 weeks old. 

I was brought to the hospital to have my doctor check both our condition.  I had to go for an ultrasound to see your form and to confirm your heartbeat. When I saw your complete form on the screen, I was happy to know that you were still inside me.  But then we couldn't hear anything.... not even the slightest beating of your heart.  I wanted to convince myself that everything will be okay but somehow i knew there was something wrong.

All my fears were confirmed when the doctor said that you have no more heartbeat and that I suffered a miscarriage. 

It was a very difficult time for me and your Daddy.
 
Our family, friends, and community were very supportive of us.  We were thankful for their presence but deep inside nothing felt good at that moment.


Gabriel's final ultrasound result

I grieved and mourned for days... weeks... months. I thought of many different reasons why this had to happen.  I blamed myself, thinking, perhaps I failed to take care of myself as much as I should during my pregnant state. Sometimes I even thought that maybe I simply just did not deserve you.  Sadness filled my heart...  but I know that the only way for me to be healed is to accept that you are part of God's plan for my life. 

I may have lost you but you will forever be a part of me no matter what.  Even if you came into our lives for a very short time, your memory will be forever within me.  You were one of the best things that ever happened to me. 
 
Deep in my heart, I somehow knew you were a boy... our baby boy... now an angel watching over us.  Your name is Gabriel, which means, "bearer of good news", because no matter what, that brief moment you spent in my womb was the greatest news I have ever received in my life.  
 
We hope that one day God will bless us with another child.  I will look forward to that day when this very special gift will be given to us once again, for I know that you will be the "angel" who will watch over your brother or your sister.

My dear son, Gabriel, may you rest in peace with God, our Creator.  May you watch over us, your Mommy and Daddy, from heaven.  Whisper our prayers to God. 

I thank God for the blessing of you, my baby boy, even if i never got to see or touch you physically.  It is an honor and a privilege that for a brief moment I was your mother.  I may not have experienced the chance to carry you in my arms... but i will forever be carrying you in my heart.

I love you very much!

Love, Mommy

*this letter was originally written in December 2005, two months after I miscarried. 

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