This is an essay i wrote back in 2000. I was 24, single and never had a boyfriend. It was a moment in my life when i found myself suddenly in "panic-mode" as I realized... "wait a minute, I am 24 and I hope to get married by 25!". That's when I found myself writing and unleashing that "hopeless romantic" side of me...
I want to fall in love. Or better yet, I want to fall in love with my ideal man. He is someone who is tall, fair and handsome... he should be athletic, especially great in basketball... can play drums... hunky... well-groomed and can wear his clothes as if he just stepped out of a men's fashion magazine. I dream of meeting him in Paris where I would be in a white sundress one afternoon, hanging out in a French Cafe. Both of us tourists in that foreign land... finding ourselves, wondering about life and love. Suddenly our paths would cross and "boom!" one look at each and we'll fall in love. Wow, can this be real? Maybe I've been watching too many romantic movies.
If only falling in love was this simple, I would be happily married by now. But no, if there's one thing in life that's so complicated, so full mysteries, so unfathomable... it's LOVE.
When I was 15, I was so sure that I was in love with someone I considered my ideal man. I felt good whenever he's around. He was always on my mind... like not one second in a day would pass without me thinking of him. Everything around me would remind me of him. I could talk non-stop about how great he looked or how wonderful he was. But inspite of all these positive feelings I had for him, it was one-sided... unreciprocated. So there I was secretly loving someone who was not in love with me. I was in denial for the longest time, believing that I could wait a lifetime for him to discover me. It was a love I kept inside of me for years.
I honestly do not know when I finally decided to let go. Perhaps it was only a matter of time. But I was glad I was able to move on with my life. It wasn't easy though. He was my standard in searching for that one person. In my mind, I hoped I would meet "someone like him". Yet, to be honest, I didn't really quite knew him that well. All I knew was that I liked the way he looked, admired his talents... but beyond that, I didn't knew him at all. That was when it hit me. I was hoping for a dream. I only have a "physical" idea of the man I wanted but in actuality, I absolutely had no any idea WHO my ideal man really was.
I thought to myself... should I really have an "ideal" man? Is setting a standard or putting a tag on someone even worth it? I was told that when you meet the right person... you'll just know and that oftentimes the right person is not necessarily your "ideal", perfect man. Rather, having the right person in your life will eventually make him the ideal one for you.
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| My all-time fave... guess i've been watching too much of these.... |
Indeed, falling in love is such a complicated thing... and what's even more challenging is to fall in love with the right person. I am not quite sure how I will eventually know if I am already standing face to face with the right one for me. I don't quite know how it will exactly feel like. I don't know when the right timing will be or where the best place will be for us to eventually meet. I just know right now that I am looking forward to that day i'll fall in love for the very first time. Who knows... maybe it will happen tomorrow.